Claudia Duran, Noche De Boda 

SETTING:  

A Bar Late at Night - Post Wedding.

CHARACTERS:

A Groom – Gender Open, Latino/a/x A
Maid of Honor – Gender Open, Latino/a/x

NOTE to DIRECTOR: 

Please Feel Free to Play these Characters Free of Gender

Two friends sit obviously drunk at the end of a long night. Groom sports a fancy tuxedo and a fresh wedding band. MAID OF HONOR wears loud easter egg colors.

GROOM

Wow. What a night.

MAID OF HONOR 

It was so… beautiful. 

GROOM 

Thanks for being here. It meant a lot to Ceci… and it meant a lot to me.

MAID OF HONOR 

Are you kidding? It took you guys long enough! I wouldn’t miss it for the world. 

GROOM 

Shut up foo’.

MAID OF HONOR 

Seriously you two took forever to tie the knot!

GROOM 

That’s just ‘cause we had to grow up a bit primero.

MAID OF HONOR 

Welcome to thirty. Where societal pressures say grow the fuck up already!

They laugh and drink some more.

GROOM 

Seriously though, I’m happy you made it. 

MAID OF HONOR

You’re my bestest friend. Another toast to you y La Ceci!

GROOM 

Yeah but you’re her “maid-of-honor”…

They toast and drink even more.

GROOM CONT’D

Shit, if it weren’t for her we would’ve never hung out. Remember how we used to talk. We’d go for walks toda la noche talking about God, the Universe, Mankind-

MAID OF HONOR 

- The meaning of life.

GROOM 

Yeah. We’d stay up all night and solve the problems of the world. Ceci would just sleep by 9:30. (Beat) Even now, I can’t do that she’s so…aye well you know how she is, la quiero mucho pero –

MAID OF HONOR 

- She goes to bed by 9 and she’s bored to death by anything philosophical, hypothetical, or theoretical. 

GROOM/MAID OF HONOR TOGETHER

“If it doesn’t concern me why should I care?!”

MAID OF HONOR 

She’s probably already up in the bridal suite snoring away.

They laugh.

GROOM 

Yeah. (Beat) Now I’m gonna spend 40 years with a person I can’t talk to past 9. 

MAID OF HONOR 

But you need that, someone who can keep you in line. Shit, don’t worry aye otras cosas que puedes hacer past 9 that don’t involve “talking”.

GROOM 

Amen to that! 

MAID OF HONOR 

Thank god!

They toast yet again and are wasted.

GROOM 

Hey, do you remember esa noche we went back to your place… the night you licked honey off of my-

MAID OF HONOR 

- Whoah whoah I don’t think we should talk about licking honey off of your privates on your wedding night. 

GROOM 

Wedding night or not, you know that shit was hot.

MAID OF HONOR 

That was so long ago, long before you and Ceci got all serious-

GROOM 

Ceci still doesn’t lick honey of my junk.
She won’t go near it - nada. She always makes a face and says “aye that’s nasty”. 

MAID OF HONOR 

Well…yeah it IS nasty, but it’s the GOOD nasty. Maybe she was saving it for tonight! 

They Laugh Some More.

GROOM

Can I be honest with you? And you won’t freak out…

MAID OF HONOR 

Yeah. Of course.

GROOM 

If I weren’t with Ceci, you have to know you’d be my soul mate. (Beat.)

MAID OF HONOR 

Everyone throughout life has many soul mates. People we’re meant to meet and like los reyes magos they come baring gifts. We were just -

GROOM 

Yeah but, you’d be the love of my life. My lifetime… You know that right?

MAID OF HONOR 

I know. (Beat) Ceci was the one who liked you. She wanted you more. I wasn’t gonna get in the way of that, she always-

GROOM 

I know, I know but… I wanted you.  (Groom leans in to kiss Maid of Honor.)

MAID OF HONOR 

She didn’t see what a handful you’d be. You’re a player,  playa’.

GROOM 

I’m not a player I just crush a lot. 

MAID OF HONOR 

Stuuupit, stop acting like a lush.

 GROOM

Aye! I’m sorry. I just want to feel like something about this night was mine. Maybe it’s selfish, but you know how they say the wedding is all about the bride? It’s true! Talk about Bridezilla geez Ceci damn near threw a shit fit because I wanted to serve carne asada during the reception. She said “red meat is bad for you” “the amount of hormones injected into the cows is horrific”, “it cost too much to order 100 organic range free steaks and even if we did we would be serving trauma to our guests on a platter and we shouldn’t want to associate our marriage and family and friends with that sort of brutality.” “Do you want to begin a lifetime together with that on our conscience huh do you?” Like the state of the pinche animal kingdom is my fault or some shit! I have to pick my battles with her tu sabes…

MAID OF HONOR 

That explains the vegan only menu.

GROOM 

Exactly. And sometimes you know a person just wants to eat steak. I want to bite into a fat, juicy cow and say “damn that’s good”.

MAID OF HONOR 

Are you saying I’m a fat juicy cow you want to bite into?

GROOM 

No… I mean, well yeah. 

MAID OF HONOR 

Homie you don’t want to start a lifetime together with me on your conscience either -

GROOM

I do! I’m saying…I want to have a say in my noche de boda. And if that means eating steak, hanging with the one I love, and marrying their best friend so we can all stay close…Well then fuck it, that’s what I want to do. As an American that’s my choice! 

MAID OF HONOR 

Really that’s being a red blooded “American”?

GROOM 

What am I’m supposed to commit to one person now till the day I die? 

MAID OF HONOR 

Well yeah, pretty much-

GROOM 

That doesn’t even make sense! Next comes kids and a mortgage on a house we can’t afford! That I don’t know if I even want! I’m making all these plans and sacrifices with Ceci for “us”, our future, I should get a little bit of what I want too? It’s the beginning of the rest of my life too! 

MAID OF HONOR 

Pues why jump through all these pinche hoops como un circus animal?

GROOM 

Ceci was gonna leave me if I didn't... We've been together for so long and I didn't want to fuck up what we had! (looks at F emotionally)...what WE had.

Maid of Honor tenderly holds Groom by the hand.

MAID OF HONOR 

I’m sorry… Blame it on pinche society. Marriage is such a fuckin’…You should have everything you want on the beginning of the rest of your life…

GROOM 

Exactly. Gracias. If it WAS you and me, would you have let me have carne asada on the menu?

MAID OF HONOR 

Yeah I enjoy biting into a fat juicy steak every now and then too. Besides, I don’t give a shit about all these fancy wedding pendejadas…I just said yes to make Ceci happy because I love her… I mean…I care…about…what she wants…so, if us being here makes her happy, pues I’m happy… To do it…to be here… for her, I mean, (trying to change subject) shoot, if it was MY wedding I probably would’ve had a full on taco truck with an unlimited margarita slushy machine!

GROOM 

You’re so classy.

MAID OF HONOR 

I prefer to think of it as low maintenance…
For crying out loud nothing says let’s celebrate more than margaritas and tacos! Why do we have to eat quinoa and squash bisque? I never even heard of that mierda!

Groom looks Maid of Honor up and down.

GROOM 

You’d make a great second wife.  

Beat.

MAID OF HONOR 

What’s that supposed to mean?

GROOM 

You keep it real homie. 100. You’re someone I can just BE with. I can make all my mistakes with my first marriage and then…just relax and enjoy life with you.

MAID OF HONOR 

Modern America. Maybe that’s why I’m single, I’m waiting for my Prince/cess Charming Divorcee, who’s out there making all their mistakes and regrets with spouse #1, sleeping with all the wrong people, waiting till one day we meet, we relax and keep it real. Fuck, no wonder Disney is full of hyped up fairytales, reality has no romance!

GROOM 

Aye, please, just take the compliment! 

MAID OF HONOR 

How is that a complimmm-

Groom rushes in and kisses Maid of Honor passionately. Maid of Honor reciprocates the sentiment. They are swept away. Silence. 

MAID OF HONOR 

Thank you…umm…for the compliment.

GROOM 

…Gracias a ti homie. For giving me something to look forward to… and letting me eat steak.

Lights Out. End of Play.