Jean Noel Ruhland, Snakes

SNAKES
(or: INSIDE EXPLOSION)
Written by
Jean Noel Ruhland
Based on: life

ii.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BEA, F, the patient
THE DOCTOR, M
NURSE GLORIA - F
BRICK, M, Bea’s husband (he's built like a brick wall)
MS. GERMENE/BILLING - F

SETTING:  A HOSPITAL ROOM, door to it is Stage Left, we can see a bit of the hallway.  There is lighting to illude to a glass divider (force-field type) just past the door that everyone except for the family member seems to not even notice.  Not yet illuminated is a giant hamster wheel Stage Right sitting by a window to the outside world. 

SCENE 1 - SHOCK

BEA appears to be asleep as the NURSE checks her vitals.

NURSE GLORIA

Wakey. Wakey.

BEA stirs a bit.

NURSE GLORIA (CONT’D)

Well, there you are darlin.  You were in there pretty deep.

BEA

One of the best things about a Colonoscopy.  I finally get some rest.  How’d it go?

NURSE GLORIA

The doctor will be in shortly. You hungry?  Here are some crackers and an apple juice.  Take it easy on your tummy for now.  No spicy food. Might burn.  While you wait, would you be interested in helping us out?  We’re doing some medical studies.

BEA

Uh, can I think about it?

She’s in a bit of a haze.

NURSE GLORIA

I’ll be right back with those forms for the medical studies.

Nurse exits and lighting flickers in the doorway.  Bea eats and waits for what seems like forever, the beeps of the machines are monotonous. The doctor enters.

DOCTOR

Hi there.  How you feeling?

BEA

Well rested. 

DOCTOR

Ha!  Well, your insides might feel tender for awhile.

BEA

Why am I hooked up to all these machines?

DOCTOR

I’m afraid we found a snake in your intestines.

BEA

I’m sorry.  What?

DOCTOR

No, I’m sorry.  We found a snake in your intestines.

BEA

What the ...?  Are you serious?

DOCTOR

I’m not allowed to joke.  About such matters anyway.

BEA

Who are you?

DOCTOR

I’m your doctor, don’t you remember me?

BEA

Doctor who?

DOCTOR

No, Doctor Ruben.

BEA

Funny.  What did you say about a snake?

DOCTOR

We were able to remove it with minimal damage, but we need to keep you here.  Under observation.  I’ve ordered some tests.  We need to make sure we got it all out.

BEA

I’m sorry.  You’re afraid?  You just made me afraid.  What the hell is going on!?  I don’t believe you!  I want a second opinion.

DOCTOR

We already removed it.  What do you want a second opinion about exactly?

BEA

Did you take a video?  Do you have the snake in a jar?!  For crying out loud!  I need proof.  Did anyone bother to take an x-ray or sonogram or whatever will show me that you actually had to do this.

DOCTOR

We didn’t think we would need to. 

BEA

Why bloody not?

DOCTOR

Most people just believe us.

BEA

Most people aren’t diagnosed with snakes in their insides.

DOCTOR

Yes, well, nothing to be alarmed about just yet.  Let’s see what comes of the test results.  Do you have any questions?

BEA

Many, but I bet none that you can answer.  This is ridiculous.  Bring me the snake in a jar and a video of you removing it.

DOCTOR

I can’t do that.  We had to destroy it.

BEA

What?!  Did someone call my husband yet? 

Doctor gets up to leave.

BEA (CONT’D)

Wait, didn’t I just come in here for a colonoscopy?  I mean, I know I had gurgling in my belly, but this is a bit much.

DOCTOR

Agreed.  But.  Well.  There’s really nothing more I can say until we get the test results back.

Doctor leaves.

BEA

Useless.  Stupid.  I don’t understand.

BEA waits a ridiculous amount of time again until...

NURSE GLORIA hurries into the room, passes the BEA without saying a word, climbs into the hamster wheel which gets illuminated Stage Right and begins to peddle/jog while seemingly looking at digital screens.

BEA waits.

BEA (CONT’D)

(Coughs)

NURSE GLORIA

(Sneezes)

BEA

Bless you.

NURSE GLORIA

Thank you.

BEA

Are you sure you are in the right room?  This is not the gym.

NURSE GLORIA

Yes.  I’m just looking at your chart, dear.

She climbs out and goes to take BEA’S pulse by hand.

BEA

Oh, no thank you.  You sneezed.

NURSE GLORIA

I’m sorry hun.  Just allergies.  I’m your nurse.  Name’s Gloria.  Remember?

BEA

Allergies?  What’s there to be allergic to in a hospital?

NURSE GLORIA

All sorts of things.  You name it, I’m allergic to it.

She goes around checking all the machines attached to the BEA and logging in the stats while they talk.

BEA

Okay.  Have they found out what’s wrong with me? 

NURSE GLORIA

They who?

BEA

Um.  The doctor, was just here.  Said I had a snake.  I mean I’m a very clean person, I don’t know where I would have gotten a snake from, let alone inside of me. The doctor is supposed to be bringing me evidence.

NURSE climbs back into hamster wheel and jogs.

BEA (CONT’D)

Could you stop doing that and just help me. Please.

NURSE GLORIA

No Hunny.  This is how I log my hours.  I don’t run in here, I don’t get paid.  This is the real work.

BEA

Well that sounds like utter crap.

NURSE stops for a minute and stares at BEA.

BEA (CONT’D)

I’m sorry.  You don’t like swearing.  You have to understand how I’m feeling right now.  I came in for what they call a simple procedure and now I’m strapped to this bed and have to just believe that you found a snake in my belly.  Kind of unbelievable don’t you think.

NURSE GLORIA starts jogging again.

NURSE GLORIA

Nothing surprises me anymore.

BEA

That’s sad.  Would you please give me proof!

NURSE GLORIA

Here, I can show you your X-ray.  Doctor wanted to take a picture of it because this has never been seen before.  Don’t worry, it won’t end up on the internet.

NURSE GLORIA shows a hologram of the X-ray (could be done via a scrim with a projector or as a photo that gets shown on the upstage wall while BEA imagines seeing it.

BEA

So I’m famous now huh?  How do I know that’s mine and not someone else’s?  Or that it’s not photoshopped?

NURSE GLORIA

Couldn’t you feel that you had a snake in your intestine?  If you’re really honest with yourself, hun, you’ll admit it.

BEA

No.  I’ve never had anything wrong with me before.  I came in here for this stupid colonoscopy because I’m of the age that one is supposed to get one.  I’ve always been healthy. There’s no way this is me.

NURSE GLORIA climbs out of wheel.

NURSE GLORIA

I’m sorry hun, but it’s true.  I was there and saw it with my own eyes.  You’re just going to have to believe me.  We saved your life.

BEA

Thanks.

NURSE GLORIA

Now, I’m going to have to get some fecal matter from you.  Do you think you can go number two?  Even just a little bit?  I’ll put this pan under you.

BEA

There’s no bathroom in here?

NURSE GLORIA

We weren’t sure you could afford one of the master suites.  Billing is checking on it.

NURSE GLORIA places the pan under BEA.

NURSE GLORIA (CONT’D)

Now don’t strain.

BEA

This is so weird.  What’s your name again?

NURSE GLORIA

Gloria.  And you’re Patience?

BEA

No!  Dear heavens!  You have the wrong person.  Get that stupid pan out from under me and check the charts.

NURSE GLORIA

I’m so sorry, hun.  That was my attempt at humor.  Sometimes it helps a person relax.

BEA

I’ll never go now.  What is the name you have on the chart?

NURSE GLORIA

Beatrix.

BEA

Damn it.  That is me.  Oh, sorry, I’ll try not to swear.  I guess we’re in this together now.

NURSE GLORIA

Or until my shift ends.  I’m kiddin’ hun.  I didn’t get into this job just for shits and giggles.  See, I can swear too.  They’re gonna dock my pay for that, but I need you to know I’m on your side.

BEA

Which side is that?

NURSE GLORIA

The healing side.

BEA

Isn’t everyone in the hospital here to heal us?

NURSE GLORIA

Why, yes, of course hunny.

BEA

Bea.

NURSE GLORIA

What?  No, it was a snake.  Are you okay?

BEA

No, I like to go by Bea, not hunny.  And no, I’m not okay.  I’m in a hospital.  Can I call someone?

We hear a sound like BEA has eliminated something into the bed pan with a “ting”.  There is a slither sound as lights fade.

SCENE 2 - DENIAL

BEA lays in bed staring at the ceiling. NURSE GLORIA enters.

NURSE GLORIA

Here are those medical studies I was telling you about.  You could really help us out while you’re here.  Who knows who else could benefit from you letting us try a few things out.

BEA

Uh-hun.

NURSE GLORIA

Would you like to read them over.

BEA

Just put them down.  I’ll get to them when I can.

NURSE GLORIA

When you can?  You got a hot date?  Where you going?

BEA

I’m just tired is all.

NURSE GLORIA

I’ll let you rest a bit more.  The doctor will be doing rounds shortly.  You mind if he brings some students?

BEA

Yes.  Yes, I do mind.

NURSE GLORIA

Never you mind then.  I’ll tell them to buzz off.

NURSE GLORIA leaves.

BEA gets up from her hospital bed, searches for her clothing, gives up the search and tries to leave.  The “invisible force field” stops her.

BEA

What the...?

She keeps trying, starts crying, goes over to the window, peers out, spins the hamster wheel, beeps go off and she hurries to get back in bed.

BRICK arrives, tries to enter the room and gets bounced back by the force field.

BRICK

Bea?  I’m here.  What is this?

BEA

Nothing.  I’m fine.

BRICK

Why can’t I come in.

BEA

I don’t know.

BRICK

There are some things I need to tell you.

BEA

You can tell me from out there.

BRICK

No, I can’t.

Lights down.

SCENE 3 - GUILT

Lights up on BEA running in place, the machines attached to her are going faster like her heart rate is up etc.

DOCTOR enters.

DOCTOR

Oh good, looks like you’re taking this very seriously.  How long have you been running for?

BEA

Since morning.  Nurse, Gloria, came in after breakfast and told me to jog here until she returned.  Said my muscles would atrophy if I didn’t.  Where’s my husband?

DOCTOR

Good. Good.

DOCTOR goes to leave.

BEA

Doctor?  What does atrophy mean?  How scared of it should I be?  I mean, I thought I just had a snake in my intestines and now it sounds like something is attacking my muscles.  Is that a kind of snake or do I have some other kind of critter to worry about?

DOCTOR comes back and climbs into hamster wheel which illuminates.  DR. jogs and looks at imaginary computer screens.

DOCTOR

Oh!  Haha!  No, atrophy means that your muscles would wither if you just laid in bed all day.  We want to get you out of here as soon as possible.

BEA

Logging your hours, hey?

DOCTOR

No, I just like it in here.  I get paid no matter what.

BEA

It’s noon and I haven’t seen the nurse since she told me to do this.  Do you think she forgot about me?  Can I stop?

DOCTOR

Yes.  Of course.

BEA passes out, DOCTOR drags her to her bed.  Bea wakes.

BEA

What just happened?

DOCTOR

You fainted.

BEA

What?  Why?  What did you do?

DOCTOR

I helped you.  I helped you to your bed.

BEA

This place is so messed up.

DOCTOR

We’re doing the best we can do.